The Truth About Santa Claus!

Merry Christmas, my beloveds.
It's that time of year again, are you ready to jingle your bells? It's cold and snowy outside (not in Egypt), everyone is home and cozy opening presents with their families and loved ones (also not in Egypt) or drinking their sorrows alone and crying pathetically.

No matter what you're doing today, and no matter where you are, there's one thing--person--who always comes through. Mr. Santa Claus. He's probably sliding down your chimney as we speak, or if you live in an apartment... knocking the door I guess?

We tell kids about Santa who brings them presents every Christmas and they have this idea of Santa that is holy and wholesome... but that's not the case. Santa has a darker back story than he lets on. And today, I will uncover the truth.

First of all, he breaks into your houses, and instead of calling the cops, you welcome him by leaving out milk and cookies for his fat ass to eat.

Not only that, but he just hangs out at the mall all December just to have children sit on his lap... pedophilia.

How come no one ever mentions how he not only supports animal labor, making these poor Reindeers carry his sleigh for him, but also slavering Elves. Poor creatures, they are forced to work under the dictatorship of Santa, do whatever he asks them, help him deliver coal to bad kids and not give good kids the Wii they asked for when they were 8 (Yeah, I'm still waiting Santa).

I've decided to make a wish list of all the gifts I DEMAND Santa to give me this year, just to prove he wont give me anything I ask for.

Here's my list:

• The complete Hannah Montana box-set.
• A life size Shrek doll (don't ask).
• A pair of Air-pods.
• Revive Christina Aguilera's career.

Let's see if he comes through. Stay woke, people. Protect your kids from the big evil that is Santa Claus.